living between the holidays

It is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I am sitting in my rather chilly office listening to peoples holiday plans as they float to my ears slightly muffled by the walls.  Has it really been a month since I have made a blog post!?!  Time flies when you are so busy trying to reconstruct and in some instances recreate a sense of normalcy out of the freshness that is a new home, new job and new life. These past four weeks have been filled with difference and deference when compared to old situations.  David and I moved out of our folks house after having been back for very same yet not all too similar reasons.  Some question why either of us would leave such a cushy perch that promised low rent, quality board and HD Television. Some question every move we make as we doggedly took the week of Halloween to box up a good deal of our possessions and wrangle only our most trusted friends to shuttle the belongings into our new Barton Creek apartment.  Some just get off on asking questions.

Falling asleep in a strange place is never easy at first.  For starters it is strange and you have to get used to not having the whir of a ceiling fan or cable TV to usher you into those starting stages where dreams begin to queue.  Maybe there isn’t a light in the room or the light switch is on the wrong side of the bed or you can hear the toilet run in the unit directly above your head. Maybe the sheets are scratchy and the pillows flat and the walls wafter thin allowing you to get too intimate with the couple living next door.  All these things are factors that contribute to a few sure sleepless nights, unless the sleep you require is one of independence.  Only then do these unfamiliar night noises create a lullaby of comfort as soothing as the womb.  It is a sleep of freedom and I have been a prisoner too long.

One thing that moving taught me: as an unmarried 23 year old I have way too much shit.  Clothes, books, toys, collectibles, sources of entertainment- it filled box after box and for all the world I couldn’t remember how I had amassed such a pile of worthless junk.  Networking cables, action figures, 6 pairs of scissors, old cigars, ticket stubs from movies I am sure I enjoyed at one time and a letter that I wish I hadn’t ever stumbled across that ended with some line about love that lasts forever were the contents of just one of my many boxes of junk.  Stupidly everything, minus the letter, is sitting in my new apartment in the same box like a retarded little time capsule waiting for my next move.  (The letter is compost.)  One day I will pair down everything I own and give some to charity and some to the landfill.  It is nice to have a goal.

My own holiday plans are slightly muted this year in comparison to the last few.  While Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday with Halloween (yes, it is one of the majors in my book) and Christmas tailing close behind, I can’t help but feel a pang of regret that I will not be spending it at University Avenue serving a meal to those guests that the holiday (in my perfect world) was intended. Those people who can’t write blogs about new apartments and how strange it is to sleep in your own bed out of the cold because their bed is the cold.  Those human beings that have been relegated by fault of their own or some fault of society to the outside.  There is no blame that can be placed on a person with no advantage, no leg up and nobody willing to take a chance on them.  They are the meek and I heard that someday they will inherit the earth- the least I can do is make sure they get some turkey, stuffing and get to see the Cowboys play on a Thursday afternoon.

A newer promise the holidays bring to me is the chance to spend some more time with Abby Loe.  While every other weekend since October 12th her and I have taken the lengthy drive between Denton and Austin in turns, the second week in December will mark the first time we will spend longer than 48 hours together in the same place. The prospect of this is amazing.  This is my Christmas present.  Abby is by far the most open, honest and gentle person I’ve known and the crazy thing is I have known that for years.  Having been old friends I feel like we have a distinct advantage when it comes to sharing the intimate (read: icky) parts about ourselves.  I’d like to think our relationship has been 4 years in the making since that fateful night in Abilene when she curled up in my arms for an impromptu cuddle session after an exhausting night of entertaining a whole gaggle of our mutual friends eventually leading to her crashing on the floor of my one room shack during a screening of Kill Bill Vol. 2.  I’d like to think that one mystery moment that laid dormant under the rubble of a thousand other moments we have both collected over the years was hot enough to spark what we are experiencing concurrently.  I wouldn’t be right about that, however.  To try to explain the ignition of this relationship away like that is akin to trying to explain how we were fearfully and wonderfully made with nothing but a big explosion caused by tiny space particles.  It is so much more amazing than that! The only way I can describe it is that I was waylaid by something that I didn’t expect to happen for a very long time.  I think the way she put it (and she can’t correct me if I am wrong because I like the way this sounds) is that we were “form tackled by love”.  It was such a pure, awesome and aggressive technique and it got us both at the same time and we knew it right away.  If I may use another simile it was like being hit by a runaway train hauling a million of those tiny candy hearts.  Unexpected, out of nowhere and so very very sweet.

We have our hurdles.  I have my job and new lease in Austin and she has her PhD program she has worked so very hard for in Dallas. At this point in our relationship neither of these things would be fair for either of us to throw in the towel on- but time is on our side.  There is no rush.  There doesn’t ever have to be.  We were both in long term relationships previous to this one that had moments where “rush” might have been the ultimate downfall so there is no use not to take it slow and explore all of our feelings on a time line  of our own choosing.  The only thing I am anxious for are a few chilly nights in December that need to get here soon.

This year it will be different.  Some of us will be in new places.  Some will be in new situations.  Some without members of the family for the first time.  Some with new family for the first time.   It will be different and exciting and hard and joyous and as we go around the table and say what we are thankful for I can’t help but imagine I will be thankful for all of it on one level or another.  Things that have been a thorn in my side or a log in my eye or a nagging in the back of my mind will all rise to the top and be skimmed away reveling the true nature of love and sacrifice.  And I will be thankful.

even if it kills me

~ by mlvassallo on November 20, 2007.

2 Responses to “living between the holidays”

  1. Big Hug

  2. Abvent will commence in less than 2 days. That makes me so excited I get shaky like a chihuahua….

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