the unexpected

•October 16, 2007 • Leave a Comment

In the fall the days get shorter.  There is really no poetic reasoning behind that observation, it is just a fact that has some resonance in scientific circles somewhere.  I imagine it is a place where men wear white lab coats and safety goggles and contemplate things in this world the rest of us just take at face value.  I also imagine this place is very serious business.

The promise of Friday night was less scientific as much as it was a hypothesis that was only going to get tested on one control group.  My plan was to take little Abby Meredith Loe and a group of her classmates to dinner and then out into the city of Austin as a mere gesture of comity and to see what we could rekindle in the ashes of a friendship grown cold from too many years with no tending. What happened could probably be better explained in the works of Byron and songs of Sinatra than any of the published journals of human behavior that line the walls of stuffy libraries.  We wouldn’t need scientists and their serious business.

Right now, while the feelings are so sharp and clarity is an abundant resource in a land where it use to be a scarce commodity I am simply happy.  A true friend told me that made him happy and that might have been the penultimate moment I knew this was so very right.

The ultimate moment was when I had her cheering/jeering at the Seahawks.  What can I say- I am easy to please.

sometimes fires don’t go out when you are done playing with them

top 100

•October 12, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Wow!  I was featured on wordpress.com’s top 100 “Growing Blogs!”   Thanks to my readers!

Tonight Abby Loe is in town with some of her friends and we are all going to make a “night of it”.  If anything happens worth telling I might tell- then again, I might not.  This is going to be a big weekend with tonight, some plans on Saturday night and Seattle on NBC Sunday Night Football (GO HAWKS!) I am having trouble keeping still at work.  The clock seems to play against you on days like this and I feel like it has been 10:15am for about 5 hours now.

While this has been an up and down week some of the better news comes in the form of my new living situation.  The brother and I got a place much closer to downtown and we move in on the 30th of this month.  It is going to be an experience rooming with my brother and I am sure it will be one we will both either cherish or rue.  Or both.  It will be an adventure to say the very least- and I never do.

i think that scares you.

another dream

•October 4, 2007 • 5 Comments

I had another dream about us again. I am sure I know exactly what sparked this scene deep in the secret part of my brain that only makes itself manifest in the short hours I can actually get some sleep. If I am forced to think about it I think of sleep as a raw commodity that has to be harvested lest I fall victim to a sever recession of rest. I have had to make sleep a game recently; pretend like it is doing me some great good on an entertainment scale because the restless thoughts that come before the sleep are the most gut-wrenching.

Telling myself that I will dream of you helps ease me into this, however the oft promised happens rarely if ever. Last night was only the second time.

I was weary of traveling and I could feel the weight of it on my back and shoulders. The pack I carried must have had some importance because as tired as my bones persuaded me to believe I was it did not come off of its perch. The country side was dark but it was neither night or shadow and it took me some time to realize that I was seeing it out of obstructed vision. When I put my hands to my face I felt a familiar damp and sticky that told me the bandages that covered my left eye and forehead were matted with what could only be blood. I was wounded and the best that I could tell from my pack and my boots and a rifle slung heavy over my right shoulder is that it was from war.

My walking brought me to a small house that looked like it could have been ripped from the French country side. The cobblestone sides and wooden framework projected a sturdiness that told me the house was structurally sound and the wide open shutters and fresh laundry hanging on the line just beyond the white washed back gate told me it had not been compromised. It was safe. That notion carried me just to the door where I collapsed under my own weight before knocking.

The next part was ethereal as I viewed it from outside my own body. I could see the door to the house open and a figure step into the light.

It was you. You helped me up and into the house. Then you came back to close the door and as you did you stared right into the eyes of where ever I was looking from. Then I woke up.

the sky doesn’t cover, it swallows

was it real?

•October 2, 2007 • 2 Comments

This is me today.

oh, lord!

battle scars and shooting stars

•September 23, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I had a dream about us last night. It was beautiful.

Sleep hasn’t come easy recently and I’ve had to resort to leaving my TV on for a little background noise. I think of it as water wings to support me as I float into that sea of Nod. The dream didn’t come as vivid at first but what I could make out happened to be the milky white of the stars on the inky black background of space. I like space. Space is romantic for the sole reason that it represents infinite possibility when our world is so finite. How could you not love the idea of that?

In space I was floating. I could feel myself slowly turning not of my own power but something more centrifugal and my head could only turn so far on my neck to see behind me and where exactly my orbit was pathing. I could feel something warm at my back and I knew its source was celestial and radiant; A star? A sun? Something more alien and so beyond my scope of human understanding that I couldn’t even muster a visage in my imagination?

The anticipation was killing me. My rotation was so slow and steady and nothing I could do in the null gravity caused me to turn any faster. If anything my frustrated and anxious thrashing was stunting the process. The suspense was palpable and I could feel my heart pound in my chest with an excitement that is usually reserved for first dances, kisses and other deeply intimate moments. Then, as if shocked or stunned, I relaxed. A calm came over me that was unlike anything I have felt in months. I believe the earthlings call the feeling “peace”. But I am not bound to a earthly body so I could only describe it as rapture. I could see the brilliance of whatever lay behind me start to crest in the periphery of my vision. It was like watching the moon and the sun rise at the same time, both inexplicable and awe-inspiring. My mind fell silent and my body still.

It was you.

Your hair was golden and your skin matched it in a tone that the lord reserved for trees in autumn in those states that are familiar with seasons. You were looking down as if you hadn’t noticed me, but we were the only objects for light years and if I hadn’t been weighed down by the gravity of our situation I might have felt slighted, but all I could remember feeling was you as we drifted into each other finally.

Without a word you reached out to me and your hands moved up my forearms to my elbows and pulled me close into you as I mirrored your movements until we embraced. Then you looked up at me with blue-grey eyes, blinked once, and rested your head on my chest.

The fucking alarm went off.

how is your heart little darlin’?

icky thump

•September 12, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Too bad for those of you who rushed to buy ACL tickets and planned on seeing the White Stripes. In a move totally indicative of “star power” Meg White has claimed “anxiety” and the couple(? I don’t really know anymore) have backed out of all their US tour dates including the two shows in Austin at ACL and the ACL After party.

Good think Dylan is still alive and kicking.

who’d-a-thunk

mad mad world

•September 10, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I’m kind of afraid to write right now. Afraid of the feelings that are going on in my head and heart. This was a crazy mixed up weekend with a lot of disappointment, shock and misunderstandings. But what can you do? People will think what they want to think and believe what makes them feel good and safe.

All I know is that I am done tearing at my clothing and pouring ashes on my head. I am not sorry for anything anymore and I now get to be me again.

Sadly, the musician turned out to be scum. I’m not even going to go there. There isn’t much to tell- it was disappointing to say the least. I think that I deserved it though. I was looking for an outlet and release in a place where I didn’t belong. It was very dangerous to both the body and the soul.

A strange casualty from the fallout of that short lived relationship is the damage it did to another irreparable relationship- but I can’t say I am surprised, I am just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I refuse to take the blame like I have been for the last 3 months. People shouldn’t be so vain and desperate to seek justification for their actions. Hell, why not just own something for a change?

I’ll probably have a less scattered and more eloquent opinions on these subjects in a week or so. For now I need some rest.

i’m so moving on